The conversation around male loneliness is often initiated by women, a fact highlighted by psychologist Angelica Ferrara. This underscores a critical point: men need to communicate more openly, a need that is currently unmet. Ferrara, a postdoctoral fellow at Stanford and a visiting fellow at the London School of Economics, notes a significant decline in the number of close relationships men report having since 1990.
The Stark Reality of Male Isolation
Data paints a concerning picture. In the United States, a staggering two-thirds of men aged 18 to 23 feel that no one truly understands them. A third haven’t interacted with anyone outside their household in the past week. Only a fifth claim to have friends they can genuinely rely on, and a significant 69% of young men believe that “no one cares if men are okay.”
The Burden of “Mankeeping”
While women also experience loneliness, isolation, and disconnection, often at rates comparable to men, many women in relationships with men find themselves engaging in what Ferrara terms “mankeeping.” This refers to the emotional labour of being their male partner’s sole intimate social connection. This phenomenon has sparked debate, with some dismissing Ferrara’s work as overly sympathetic to men who should be self-sufficient. However, such dismissals overlook the broader societal implications of male isolation. As Ferrara argues, our lives are interconnected, and men’s inability to maintain close relationships negatively impacts society as a whole.
The “Man Box” and Its Consequences
Since 2017, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of men subscribing to what researchers call the “man box.” These are men who hold deeply misogynistic views about masculinity and gender roles. They often exhibit controlling behaviours, such as demanding to know their partner’s whereabouts at all times, insisting on having the final say in the relationship, and dismissing gay men as “not real men.” A related survey also revealed that 63% of men wished they were more “masculine.” This points to a crisis of identity and a longing for a perceived ideal of manhood.
Reclaiming Masculinity Through Connection
This is a problem that men must address directly. The solution lies in redefining masculinity, shifting away from the notion of domination. For too many men, masculinity is equated with dominance – dominating conversations, physical spaces, and even women. This identity, built on domination, is inherently damaging because it clashes with the fundamental need for community. Many alienated individuals are, at their core, yearning for genuine connection and belonging. Domination is not a sign of true confidence but a tool used by the insecure to manufacture it. The truly confident have no need to dominate others.
However, research indicates that being confined within the “man box” can provide a sense of purpose, as men identify with the roles of provider and protector – roles often reinforced by societal expectations. The challenge lies in reframing these roles as acts of care and nurturing.
The Desire for Closeness
Ferrara’s research, which includes hundreds of interviews with men and their partners, reveals a deep-seated desire for closeness among men. They often express longing for something missing in their friendships. It challenges the stereotype that men don’t need intimacy. While some male friendships thrive on banter, others involve deeper intellectual and emotional sharing, creating spaces for open conversation and mutual support.
The Role of Education and Culture
The ability to cultivate deeper connections may be teachable. While formal education may not always address emotional literacy, some men who report having close relationships recall discussing emotions and relationships in school, particularly in countries like Canada. This suggests the importance of early intervention and providing boys with the tools to navigate their emotions and build healthy relationships.
There is a lack of cultural representation of male emotional vulnerability. While popular culture often portrays women discussing their feelings with each other, similar portrayals of men are scarce. This absence reinforces the idea that men should suppress their emotions, further hindering their ability to connect with others.
Shattering the Glass Walls
In an era rife with cynicism and the rise of online communities that exploit male loneliness, it is crucial to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies. It’s up to men to rewrite the narrative. While forming deep friendships may become more challenging later in life, it’s essential to make the effort to reach out, ask deeper questions, and create a sense of community, preferably in real-world settings rather than online spaces. Men may not face a glass ceiling, but they often create self-imposed barriers that isolate them. It’s time to shatter those walls and embrace genuine connection.