Earlier this week, ESPN unveiled its “Sports Misery Index,” an algorithmic system designed to help sports fans gauge how much joy (or sadness) they derive from their favorite teams, games, and leagues.
It was always bound to be a touchy subject, albeit a fun one. Because unless you’re a brazen bandwagon fan of whoever happens to be good in that present moment (have you no shame?), you’re bound to understand what it means to experience sports heartbreak at best and apathy at worst. Everyone, from all walks of life, likely has a very wide range of current sports preferences.
In the interest of coming to a miserable consensus, I tried to formulate the most depressing possible combination of “Big Four” sports teams (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL) according to the misery index’s metrics. I would’ve included more teams and other leagues, but this was the most straightforward and simple path.
For posterity, a score of “0” is generally regarded as the best possible outcome. In this scenario, the index says you have no real reason to be upset with your favorite teams at the moment. (Though, I’m sure some of you bona fide diehards still are.) Naturally, a score of “100” would be the definition of nihilism through fandom. None of your favorite teams has given you any meaningful positive reinforcement in a long time, and you’re not sure when they will.
Makes sense, right?
When trying to find a score as close as I could to 100, I kept banging my head against the wall. Even when I chose the index’s most miserable team by rating in a particular league, it would somehow lower my overall misery score by a slight notch, which defeated the purpose of what I was trying to accomplish. You couldn’t go with what the index said was the saddest team in a particular niche in every instance. You had to play around a little bit. Please note that I also used a timeline of 15-plus years when I said how long I was a fan of a specific team. The results might have been skewed differently otherwise.
I felt that range of time was the most accurate measurement for a sports fan because, to me, someone who started following a team less than five years ago (another possible selection) doesn’t really know what sports pain is. There is nothing quite like watching a hopeless team year after year, while your personal and professional life starts to progress. But that’s just me.
After some finagling, here is, in my estimation, the most woeful possible combination of Big Four sports teams, along with why I think the misery index believes they’re sad. By the conclusion of this exercise, I ended up getting an overall score of 97.
I’m so sorry if this mix of teams somehow describes your sports fandom. You deserve better.
NFL: New York Jets
Misery rating: 97 (tied at No. 1 overall among NFL teams, with Jacksonville Jaguars)
Why: This explanation should be pretty straightforward, right?
Where other organizations execute successful rebuilds without really blinking much, the Jets usually fall down and vomit all over themselves. They have had one winning season since 2010, the year of their last playoff berth and (positive) relevance. Their first-round pick quarterbacks are almost always busts. Their owner makes personnel decisions based on what his sons see in Madden. More often than not, the Jets are a dumpster fire that is impossible to look away from. They make being bad and inept look like an art form. They are a Broadway show with a theatre director who may or may not be drinking adult beverages while on the job.
Essentially, with the disproportionate attention a New York sports team tends to receive from the national media, Jets fans get all the trappings of a good football team without the good football.
NBA: Charlotte Hornets
Misery rating: 97 (No. 2 overall among NBA teams, behind the top-ranked Detroit Pistons)
Why: Funnily enough, I have no idea why ESPN’s algorithm gives the unfortunate slight edge to the Pistons here. At least people care about the Pistons! At least they have a past with success! No offense to the extreme handful of Hornets fans (there are some out there, right?) who might come upon this paragraph.
Let’s put it this way.
As a huge nerd, I sometimes enjoy thinking about the most forgettable professional sports franchises. You know what I’m talking about. Those teams that aren’t worth writing home about in any meaningful fashion. Those teams that you have to remember still exist sometimes. Those teams that occasionally act as glorified farm systems for the contenders in their respective leagues. They have the worst of all worlds in almost every meaningful facet.
The Hornets are usually at the top of my list in this regard. They are the definition of an afterthought, and they’ve never really had enough of the spotlight to change my mind. This franchise has been around for 37 years, and it has NEVER even won a division championship. It has six winning seasons this millennium. I’m honestly surprised the NBA hasn’t commandeered the Hornets to instill some respectability, but I’m unsure that even the league cares all that much about Charlotte.
MLB: Colorado Rockies
Misery rating: 95 (tied at No. 1 among MLB teams, with Chicago White Sox)
Why: Ask any bog-standard Denver resident these days about Coors Field, the Rockies’ home stadium, and you’ll probably hear a familiar refrain.
Everyone will tout how it’s a lovely space to spend a summer day in with some ballpark snacks and a few beers. An entire section of downtown Denver is effectively a dedicated Rockies hangout spot, replete with bars, restaurants, and trendy stores. Come for an evening game, and you might get lucky watching a beautiful sunset on the Rocky Mountains just West of the stadium.
In all of these conversations, very few will mention anything about the “baseball” happening on the field. Because these days, no one goes to Rockies games to watch the Rockies. People go to their stadium because it’s, in some estimations, the best outdoor bar in town. Nothing more. Anything that happens on the diamond while at a Rockies game is just gravy that folks only pay half attention to. Full stop.
This unfortunate dynamic is what happens when a sports franchise has six winning seasons in 33 years of existence. This is what happens when the Monfort ownership family has unsubtly waved the white flag on trying to field a competitive baseball team. The only traction you’ll get over time in that regard is from people looking for something fun to do in July that isn’t hiking or a Denver Broncos, Denver Nuggets, or Colorado Avalanche game.
Well, at least the mascot is cool? It’s a purple dinosaur called DINGER! The Rockies have that going for them and not much else.
NHL: Buffalo Sabres
Misery rating: 97 (No. 1 overall among NHL teams)
Why: There are a lot of futile, hopeless NHL teams. It feels like the nature of this league at the bottom. But no one takes the cake quite like the Sabres. It’s not enough that Buffalo hasn’t made the playoffs since the 2010-2011 season. It’s not enough that the Sabres, who reside in a Western New York market ripe for hockey madness, seldom warrant throwing a wayward glance towards. It’s not enough that even when it feels like the Sabres have something cooking, they tend to step on a rake instead.
It’s also about how they’ve alienated and/or failed some of their biggest talents.
Former No. 2 overall draft pick Jack Eichel? A miserable shell of himself in Buffalo before really reaching his full potential with the Vegas Golden Knights. Sam Reinhart, another past No. 2 overall draft pick? A young man who treaded water with the Sabres before becoming an integral piece on the two-time reigning Stanley Cup champion Florida Panthers. Even a short-lived stint with Evander Kane somehow managed to be more disappointing than it should have been.
And that’s not even counting the various high-profile draft misses over the years.
It seems everyone who comes into contact with the Sabres is, on some level, the worst versions of themselves. At the moment, this franchise has never felt further from its peak, which, perhaps by no coincidence, was a loss in the 1999 Stanley Cup Final. And what a heartbreaking (controversial) loss it was, at that. That’s the Sabres, baby.
This article originally appeared on For The Win: We used ESPN’s Misery Index to find the worst possible fan experience