A Unique Approach to Love and Independence
Judy Wolff and Alex Ruschanow have been in a committed relationship for three decades, yet they have never shared a home. Their decision to live apart has allowed them to maintain their individuality while still enjoying a deep emotional connection. “Every time we meet, it’s like an event. It’s something to look forward to, and that’s a nice thing,” says Wolff. The retired librarian and Ruschanow, a retired tradesman, met at a folk music club in Melbourne. At the time, Wolff had recently ended a relationship and was raising two school-aged children.
“I remember saying to Alex, ‘Look, you’re dating me, not my kids.’ I wanted that to be separate,” she recalls. Ruschanow, on the other hand, had lived with a former partner for 13 years, the last three of which he spent caring for her. The relationship became toxic, so he was wary of repeating the same pattern with a new partner.
Now both 73, the couple leads active lives. Wolff stays engaged with circus performing and playing the clarinet in a local orchestra, while Ruschanow works with ceramics and scrap metal and sings in a local choir. “We’ve got different tastes, different views, but a lot of our stuff aligns. The planets come together so we feel good with each other,” says Ruschanow. They see one another several times a week, and have even spent extended periods together during recovery from major operations.
The key element of their relationship is a commitment despite living apart. “We have each other’s backs,” says Ruschanow. For Wolff, describing their relationship in one word would be “contentment.”
What Are Living-Apart-Together (LAT) Relationships?
Living-apart-together or LAT couples are those who choose to maintain separate homes over the long term. This is not due to work or family commitments, nor is it a transitional phase before cohabitation. Quantifying the number of LAT couples can be challenging, but in 2019, more than 1.8 million Australians reported having an intimate partner they didn’t live with, according to the Household Income and Labour Dynamics Survey from 2021. Of this group, almost 80 per cent lived within an hour’s travel of one another, while 89 per cent saw one another in person at least once a week.
The concept of LAT relationships has roots in Western Europe in the 1970s, and in the US, the number of married couples who lived apart increased by 25 per cent between 2000 and 2019. Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships NSW, notes an increase in LAT couples, particularly those in the middle stages of life who value their independence or are reluctant to blend families.
Benefits of Living Apart
One of the main benefits of LAT relationships is the protection of assets and the ability to have distinct, independent time without needing to justify it. Many well-known couples, such as Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, have enjoyed separate living arrangements. However, these relationships often require a level of financial privilege. For Wolff and Ruschanow, their arrangement is only possible because they could afford to buy their own homes.
House prices in Australia have risen about 38 per cent in the past five years, while divorce rates remain at their lowest level since the introduction of no-fault divorce in 1976. Recently, the number of couples separated but living under the same roof has also increased. Despite this, LAT couples continue to defy convention.
Defying Social Norms
Sharon Hyman, a Canadian filmmaker working on a documentary about LAT relationships, founded an online community for couples who live apart. She notes that these relationships often face judgment. “When I speak to people in the group in their 20s and 30s, they still feel the pressure from Hollywood movies and romance novels, where you meet somebody, you fall in love, and then you live together,” she says.
Hyman coined the term “Apartners” for her online community, which now has over 7000 members worldwide, including in Australia. Having been with her partner, David, for 26 years, she believes living apart is key to a happy and healthy relationship. “It’s been 26 years, and every time David comes over, I’m so excited to see him. I don’t know a lot of couples who could say that.”
Other benefits include maintaining children’s routines separately and avoiding squabbles over domestic duties, which women tend to bear. Hyman sees the trend as emblematic of a broader shift in how we think about relationships. “Don’t expect to get everything out of one person… nobody could meet those expectations.”
Challenges and Realities
While many couples find success in LAT relationships, challenges do exist. Hobart couple Lauren Watson and Jess Yasuda have been together for three years, living an hour apart. They met online and chose not to blend their families. For Yasuda, independence was not just about space but also financial independence. “I earn more money than Lauren, and I don’t ever want to feel that resentment of feeling like I’m financially looking after someone again.”
Watson acknowledges that the arrangement can be challenging if there is an emergency. “There’s a stereotype with lesbians that they move in with each other after the second date and blend really quickly… they can become quite co-dependent.” However, she credits the time apart with keeping their physical relationship active.
Prioritizing Children’s Wellbeing
Yvette Evans-Streeter and Ed Streeter met in 2021 and married in 2022. For three years, they lived in separate parts of Sydney, each with young children from previous marriages. They chose to prioritize stability for their kids, using a “bird-nesting” arrangement with their ex-partners. Now happily cohabiting, they say the time apart gave them an appreciation for one another.
“Especially when you’re bringing children into a relationship, being married to someone because you love them and want to be with them is a completely different issue to living with them. Those decisions don’t have to be made at the same time,” says Evans-Streeter.
Key Points About LAT Relationships
- Living-apart-together (LAT) relationships involve couples choosing to maintain separate homes long-term.
- In 2019, over 1.8 million Australians reported having an intimate partner they didn’t live with.
- Reasons for choosing to live apart include a desire for independence, protecting assets, managing children from previous relationships, and maintaining boundaries around domestic duties.